How to Truly Connect With Someone
"How are you?" "Fine, thanks."
We've all had that exchange a thousand times, and it usually ends right there. Connection doesn't come from talking more. It comes from listening well and being curious enough to ask what comes next.
Why Connection Matters
For older adults especially, connection is a health issue. Meta-analyses have linked social isolation or loneliness in older adults to a 50% higher risk of dementia, a 30% higher risk of coronary artery disease or stroke, and a 26% higher risk of death from any cause. A good conversation is not a small thing.
The Research on Follow-up Questions
Harvard researchers studied hundreds of conversations between people getting to know each other. They found that people who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners. Follow-up questions work because they signal responsiveness: listening, understanding, validation, and care. A follow-up question tells the other person, "I heard you, and I want to know more."
The most surprising finding is that people don't expect question-asking to increase how much others like them. Most of us hold back when a question is exactly what the moment needs.
Listening is the Foundation
A follow-up question only works if you were really listening. That means:
Put the phone down and make eye contact.
Let silence sit. People often say the most meaningful thing after a pause.
Don't plan your reply while they're still talking.
Resist the urge to turn their story into yours.
Swap "How are you?" for better questions.
Instead of "How are you?" try:
"What's been the highlight of your day so far?"
"What's something small that made you smile this week?"
"What's been on your mind lately?"
Instead of "Did you have a good weekend?"
"What was the best part of your weekend?"
"Did you get to do anything you've been looking forward to?"
Instead of "How's your family?" try:
"What's new with your grandkids? Anything that made you laugh?"
Then follow up! The first question opens the door. The follow-up is how you walk through it.
"The highlight of my day was my neighbor stopping by."
Follow up: "Oh, what did you two talk about?"
"I found my old recipe box."
Follow up: "What's the first recipe you'd make from it? Who taught you to cook?"
"It's been a quiet week."
Follow up: "What does a quiet day look like for you? Is there a part of it you enjoy most?"
Good Follow-ups are Simple:
"Tell me more about that."
"What was that like?"
"How did you feel when that happened?"
"What made that the best part?"
Don't turn it into an interview, though. One or two good follow-ups, paired with real attention, go a long way.
The Takeaway
Connection doesn't take special skills or a lot of time. It takes attention and curiosity. Next time you're with someone you care about, skip "How are you?" and ask what the highlight of their day was. Then listen, and ask one more question.
At Granddaughter for Hire, this is what companionship is built on. Every senior deserves someone who is truly interested in their story.
Sources: Huang, Yeomans, Brooks, Minson & Gino (2017), "It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking," Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine, "Social Isolation and Loneliness in Older Adults" (2020).
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